dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always B-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
I changed my i-Pod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. 
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. 
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. 
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. 
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. 
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity . I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. 
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O. 
A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz. 
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. 
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. 
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it! 
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? 
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. 
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds. 
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me! 
Broken pencils are pointless. 
I tried to catch some fog. I mist. 
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. 
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. 
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. 
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on. 
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. 
Velcro - what a rip off! 
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy. 
Venison for dinner? Oh deer! 
Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault. 
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. 
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
A Good Pun Is Its Own Reword
when Chemists die, they barium
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran
I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.  Then it dawned on me.
Tis girl said she recongnized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.                
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.