Out of my mind. Back in 5 minutes. Good judgment comes from experience... and most of that comes from bad judgment I fish therefore I lie Heck is where people go who don't belive in gosh Does dark have a speed too? We have enough youth, how about a fountion of smart? I'm back by popular demand A clear conscience is usually a sign of bad memory. You can fool some of the people all the time, and that's enough to make you rich A man who lies is not upright Humpty Dumpty was pushed If you won't listen to reason, will you listen to a lame excuse? It's bad luck to be superstitious Flying saucers are real. The Air Force doesn't exist As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. I don't need therapy, I need money Be the kind of person you always wanted your parents to be Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool If a pig flies, don't criticize it for not stying up long Just 2,852,677 more days till I start caring what you think Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep. One who knows how will always have a job working for one how knows why. A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste I have an attitude and I'm not afraid to use it I'm not hyperactive; the universe s hyperslow Trust in God, but lock your car The severity of an itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. You can't have everything; where would you put it? I took an IQ test and the results were negative. On the other hand you have different fingers Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of Being a princess is a full time job Aliens smart enough to visit Earth would be smart enough not to Sex is hereditary. If your parents didn't have it neither will you This truck has been in fifteen accidents... and hasn't lost one yet If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat? Now that we got the genetic code mapped out, will it explain women? Despite the high cost of living,have you noticed it remains so popular? Tho died and made you Darth Vader? Imitation is the sincerest form of copyright infringment Friends helps you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Would somebody please poke holes in the top of my jar Give ambiguity or give something else. A women has the last word in any argument. What a man says after that is the start of a new argument You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and then used against you. Driver carries no cash - he's married You can't have everything, where would put it? It only seems kinky the first time I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"? I do what the voices in my wife's head tell me Save the Whales. Collect the whole set Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes. Iv'e had a great time... but this wasn't it Another brillian mind ruined by higher education Time is what keeps everything from happening at once Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else. Keep you butt in the car. The Earth is not your ashtray The favorite tie attracts the gravy It's time to pull over and change the air in you head Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. Veni Vidi Velcro I came, I saw, I stuck I do work for food There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't. A closed mouth gathers no feet Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? I have nothing against God, it's his followers that I can't stand One day your Prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions There are some days even my lucky underpants can't help Friends don't let friends drive naked Nuke the Whales. It's easier to stay out of trouble then to get out When the chips are down the Buffalo is empty I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to work Curse You Pizza! Why must you taste so good? Taxation with representation isn't so great either I have no desire for money. It's the stuff I want Save a tree. Eat a beaver. Perfection, as a concept is inherently flawed Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes? I'd love to trade caller I.D. for caller I.Q. Why do psychics have to ask your name? If a man says something in the woods and no one's there to hear it, is he still wrong? If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Sacred cows make the best burgers There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail? What is this Bizarroland? He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial Gee, I'd like to care, but I don't possess that gene The trouble with life is there's no background music Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? My mood ring says: Back Off! A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance On the other hand you have different fingers. I'll rise, but I won't shine Support Bacteria! It's the only culture some people have Few women admit their age. Few men act it Your village called - they're missing an idiot Ambivalent? Well yes and no.... I wasn't using my civil liberties anyway Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool. I'd live up to my potential if it didn't cut into my sitting-around time You are reinforcing my inherent mistrust of strangers Dyslexics of the world, untie! I think that I think, therfore I think that I am Chos, Panic, and Disorder. My work here is done Forget about World Peace, Visualize using your turn signal God made mankind, sin made him evil. What would Jesus do for a Klondike Bar? I work forty hours a week to be this poor Consciousness: That annoying time between naps So what was the best thing before sliced bread? Closed minds always seem to be connected to open mouths Very Funny Scotty, Now beam down my clothes I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere. I must hurry for there they go and I am thier leader Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort you can be impossible? Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them! I intend to live forever. So far so good. Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out I didn’t use to finish sentences, but now I I’ve had amnesia as long as I can remember. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut." Evolution: True science fiction. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? What's another word for Thesaurus? Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out. Hukt awn fonix wurkt fur mee I'd like to help you out, Which way did you come in? HELP! I'm on my cell phone and can't hang up To err is human, to forgive divine, neither is Marine Corp policy You can fool some of the poeple all of the time... and thats enough to make you rich Does "anal retenive" have a hyphen? PURITANISM: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, might be happy Keep on working millons of people on welfare are depending on you Anyting worth doing should have been done by now Well-Behaved women don't make history Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name the streets after them Never answer a anonymous letter. Caution: I know Karate (and several other Japanese words) I married Miss Right (before I knew her first name was Always) Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die The "Marriage Penalty" has nothing to do with taxes Sex on television can't hurt unless you fall off It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better. Can't spell worth a shirt A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand The more poeple I know, the more I love my dog The way to man's heart is through his sternum Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana He who hesitates is probably right I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. If you can't beat 'em arrange to have them beaten The key to any relaionship is sincerity. Once you can fake that, the rest is easy Woman who seek tobe equal to men lack ambition A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer I'd give my right hand to be ambidextrous I think you left the stove on. Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours. It's better to have loved and lost than to live with a psycho for the rest of your life No one is listening until you make a mistake. I'm with the band Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant Good. Fast. Cheap. Choose two Follow you dreams. (Execpt the one where your at school in your underwear.) Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? My mind is made up. Please don't confuse me with the facts I'm so broke I can't even pay attention Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it Tell Me, where is this bright side you speak of? A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking What is there where no hypothetical questions? We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. I'm looking forward to regretting this I used to think I was indecisive, but mow I'm not so sure Grow your own dope, plant a man You deserve what you accept Why can't I be rich and good looking? I'm not a Complete Idiot. Some parts are missing Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups I've seen normal. It ain't pretty It's easier to get forgiveness than permission Don't judge a book by its movie Don't you think hard work must've killed someone? They told me I was gullible, and I belived them If you aren't completely appalled, then you haven't been paying attention Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. I'm going off to find myself. If you see me before I get back, please let me know where I'll be Celebrity in training Cancer cures smoking Vegetarion: Indian word for lousy hunter Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice Don't Steal. The goverment hates competition DNA: National Dyslexic Association I think, therfore I'm dangerous You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely Always remember plunder first, then burn! Where are we going, and why are we in a handbasket? If you want a puppy, start by asking for a pony If it has tires or testicles, it's gonna give you problems If at first you don't succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried. Of course I'm out of my mind, it's dark and scary in there! Bob is my copilot Work is for people who don't know how to fish When it rains cats and dogs, don't step in a poodle It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you! Change is inevitable execpt for vending machines I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. The Buck doesn't even slow down here So who tested Preparations A through G? A fool and his money are my best friends Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain The best way to save face is to keep the lower part of it shut LOTTERY: a tax on people who are bad at math Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway. 5 out of 4 people have a problem with fractions I am the man from Nantucket Give me ambiguity or give me something else Radioactive cat have eighteen half-lives Don't make me crush your pathetic little civilization An eye for an eye... leaves the whole world blind D.A.R.E. to keep cops off donuts. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up The early bird get the worm, but the seconds mouse get the cheese Even if the voices arn;t real, they have some good ideas Take a bite out of crime (it tastes like chicken) My job is so secret even I don't know what it is People usually deserve each other I'm a PBS mind in an MTV world He who laughs last thinks slowest It's not the fall that hurts, it's that sudden stop at the end Mafia Staff Car I'm not antisocial. I just hate being with people Keep th eEarth clens it isn't Uranus I've had it with reality now I want my Fairy Godmother! Delightfully tacky yet unrefined If you cant' be kind, at least have the decency to be vague 99 percent of the lawyers give the rest a bad name. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame Borrow money from a pessimist--they don't expect it back. Birds of a feather flock together -- and poop on your car I may be schizophrenic but at least I have each other Time is what keeps things from happening all at once. I march to the beat of my own accordion Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. The speed of time is one second per second That's me in a nutshell. (Would somebody please help me out?) The weather is here, wish you were beautiful There's one in every crowd... and they always find me! For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism Beer -- helping white people dance since 1837 I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. Zero to Bitch in 3.5 seconds Stop the Damn Profanity Everyone is entitled to my opinion All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for getting it done I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back. I may not be very smart but I can lift heavy things Forgive and forget... But keep a list of the names All generalizations are false! My life is full of unsuffered consequences The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography You can fool some of the people all of the time... and those are the one to concentrate on Humpty Dumpty was pushed. Eliminate and abolish redundancy National Atheist's Day: April 1st. Acconding to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist Go On. I'll see you at the next traffic light I'm nicer in person Nonconformists are not all alike All generalizations are false. Don't Drink and Derive. Alcohol and calculus don't mix Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after What if the Hokey-Pokey is what it's all about? The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working! If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished Adults are just kids who owe money Work is for people who don't know how to fish. My favorite memories are of the past They have an opening for you in the Witness Protection Program I entend to live forever. So Far So Good Subvert the Dominant Paradigm I'm the kind of person I want to stay away from Guess where I'm pierced I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want? The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes Age is a very high price to pay for maturity Madness takes its toll, Please have exact change Join the IRS - be audit you can be Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder Reality Bites!... and I have the teeth marks to prove it! I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure. My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips People would rather be wrong than different Due to recent cutbacks the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off Someday we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject WARNING! I don't remember anything before coffee Pride is what we have, vanity is what others have If you don't like the news, go out and make some. Vhildern need your presence more that your presents The road to success is under construction If money could talk it would say goodbye If you can't say something nice about a person you've come to the right plcae What we learn from history is that we fail to learn from history Our drinking team has a football problem For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. Everyone smiles in the same language Next year, vacation in hell... and comming back to work won't seem so bad My freedom is more important than your good idea Mediocre people are always are their best The beginning of wisdom is silence Dipomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. Proudly serving my corporate masters Politicians and diapers should both be changed regularly and for the same reason Todays subliminal message is: The problem with sex in the movies is that your popcorn usually spills I can handle pain until it hurts. No matter where you go, you're there. If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane. It's been Monday all week. Gravity always gets me down. This statement is false. Eschew obfuscation. It's bad luck to be superstitious. According to my best recollection, I don't remember. The word "gullible" isn’t in the dictionary. Honk if you like peace and quiet. The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? A day without sunshine is like, night. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW! Life is too complicated in the morning. We are all part of the ultimate statistic -- ten out of ten die. Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody. Ask me about my vow of silence. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do. Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way. If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria. If at first you don’t succeed, don’t try skydiving. Beyond good and evil lies North Dakota. Anything I do is purely coincidental. Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down. Make headlines! Use a cordoroy pillow! Refuse Novacaine... Transcend Dental Medication. Quote of the moment: My desk is final proof of Chaos theory.... 24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not! If something is confidential, it'll be left in the copier. Never try to outstubborn a cat.