Here are some of the best quotes spoken by some of the most 
  interesting people around. 

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a
woman I don't like and just give her a house." 
-- Lewis Grizzard

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and
you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin
bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"
-- Author Unknown

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead. 
-- Johnny Carson

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: 
Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." 
-- Henry Kissenger (former U.S. Secretary of State)

"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car." 
-- Author Unknown

"If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?" 
-- Robin Williams

"Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a
plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across
that floor. I told him he was grounded."
-- Tim Allen

"Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition."
-- Timothy Leary

"Burritos are sleeping bags for ground beef."
-- Mitch Hedberg

"My folks first met on the subway trying to pick each others pockets."
-- Freddie Prinze


"The problem with the designated driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house."
-- Jeff Foxworthy

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save
the infant's life without even considering if there is
a man on base." 
-- Dave Barry

"I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins
into all the locations that I've travelled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel
to the top two corners of the map so that it will not fall off the wall."
-- Mitch Hedberg

"I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, 
and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks."
-- Joe E. Lewis

"I spend 90% of my money on booze, women, and fast cars. The rest I waste."
-- George Best (Soccer Legend)

"I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever
stole it is spending less than my wife."
-- Ilie Nastase

"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined." 
-- Samuel Goldwyn

"I am a marvelous housekeeper.
Every time I leave a man I keep his house."
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it
like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should
give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before
they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." 
-- Bob Ettinger

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone 
took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." 
-- Paula Poundstone

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
-- Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")

"A genius is a man who can rewrap a new shirt and not have any pins left over."
-- Dino Levi

"I would imagine that if you could understand morse code, 
a tap dancer would drive you crazy."
-- Mitch Hedberg

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured
by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." 
-- Axel Rose (Guns 'n Roses)

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes?
I don't think there's really any oxygen.
I think they're just to muffle the screams. 
-- Rita Rudner

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to
the authors of that study: Duh." 
-- Conan O'Brien

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group
for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
-- Drew Carey

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" 
-- Richard Jeni

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
-- Paul Rodriguez

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they
turned sixty, and that's the law." 
-- Jerry Seinfeld

"When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they laughed at me."
-- Carrot Top

"Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. 
He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us
to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!"
-- Golda Meir

"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something."
-- Jackie Mason

"Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call."
-- Richard Lewis

"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt."
-- Mark Twain

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog
will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right!
I never would've thought of that!'"
-- Dave Barry

"We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those
we don't like."
-- Jean Cocteau

"I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't
know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it." 
-- Bill Cosby

"My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and
vehicle maintenance." 
-- Tim Allen

"We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines.
They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the
general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy
over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." 
-- Elayne Boosler

"The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn
are composed entirely of lost airline luggage."
-- Mark Russell

"You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later
you have to start all over again."
-- Joan Rivers

"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every
day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in
the morning: We're government workers!"
-- Jay Leno

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the 
designated driver.
-- Jay Leno

"I hate to fly . . . Every time I get off a plane, I view it as a failed 
suicide attempt"
-- Barry Sonnefeld

"How can anyone govern a nation that has 240 different kinds of cheese?"
-- Charles de Gaulle

"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy."
-- Frank Sinatra

"In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown. 
The difference is, the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the 
football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it."
-- Billy Crystal

"You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap!"
-- Dolly Parton

A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill
except for learning how to grow in rows.
-- Doug Larson